The Constant Complainer

 Dec 27 2006

Question: Whenever our family gets together, my cousin always monopolized the conversation by talking about all her problems. It gets depressing just listening to her complain all the time. Why are some people like this? It sure gets on everyone’s nerves.

Billy Graham’s answer:

We all have met people like this – and you are right: Someone who constantly complains or talks about their problems all the time soon wears out their welcome.  One on occasion, Jesus had to tell His Disciples to “Stop grumbling among yourselves” (John 6:43) Sometimes a person who constantly talks about their problems is actually just lonely and looking for attention.  Do you ever talk with her over the phone with your cousin or spend time with her except on holidays?  As God to help you be a friend to her and show concern for her – even if it isn’t easy at first.  Then help your cousin realize that her constant complaining is actually hurting her by alienating her from others. She may not even realize how negative she sounds and how others react to her grumbling.  Don’t rebuke her harshly, but let her know you care about her and you want to help her.  Urge her to open her heart and life to Him and then to put her problems into His hands.

 Jen’s response:

Hmmm, yes, we have all had friends like that – who never cease complaining.  And, they are usually the ones who don’t take any proactive steps to deal with their problems.  I had a friend like that, very nice woman, but she would just complain.  Something was always wrong, whether her living situation wasn’t working out, and then after two years of having problems with her landlord and her not making any effort to find another place to live, she finally gets booted out and complains that it was so sudden. 

Anyway – constant complaining is definitely a cry for attention, and in some cases, a search for a knight in shining armor to solve all your problems for you so you don’t have to lift a finger.  Regardless of reasons, this sort of behavior is counter productive to healthy relationships.  Not to worry, the complainer can and will find other people to complain to, people who will be willing, for a short time anyway, to listen, offer words of support, perhaps even loan them money, etc.  They will do this until they realize that this person doesn't actually want any help.  

Here is how I deal with constant complainers – once I have verified they are in fact constant about complaining, part time complainers still get a sympathetic ear from me.  When the constant complainer comes up to you at a social function to complain about the latest, tell them you know exactly how they feel and start rattling off a list of your latest complaints.  Everyone has things that aren’t going right for them at any given time.  We don’t complain, we just deal with these issues and move on.  If you have current or past problems that are similar to the constant complainers current complaints, go ahead and focus on those.  There is no need to make something up.  Just because the problem is mundane and easily solved shouldn’t prevent you from adding it to your list for the enjoyment of the constant complainer.  Think of it as letting them know that everyone on the planet deals with what I like to call details.  Little details every day that needs to be dealt with.  Or, just consider this giving them a taste of their own medicine.  They best part about this technique is that it allows you to be sympathetic while nipping this problem in the bud.  No need to ever tell the complainer in question that they are annoying and/or depressing you.  After all, you know exactly how they feel.  

For instance, right now, I need to call a rental car company to find out if I can fill out the paperwork a day early in order to get the car right when I reserved it, otherwise I will be late getting into Miami and I am giving a training when I get there and can’t afford to be late.  Don’t even get me started on how much prep work I still need to do to be ready for that training.  I don’t have the time, what with all the dishes that need to be washed,, I don’t even have time to get enough sleep.  You get the idea.  

I can almost guarantee that the constant complainer will stop complaining to you.  Never initiate this game, let them start with you.  Once they learn they won’t get the re-enforcement they are looking for from you, they will either find someone else to complain to or stop altogether.  Either way, you won’t have to listen to their constant complaints anymore.  The looks of confusion on their faces is worth the price of admission for this one.