Greek Families Test

Jan 17th 2007  

Note: This isn’t a Billy Graham article – it is a Dear Abby article.  She was way off base today – and it really bugged me, so here is my response to her answer to today’s conundrum. 

Question:

My fiancé and I have been together 2 years.  We are loving, respectful and kind to each other. Our only source of conflict involves his family.  Pan and his family are Greek; I am American. From the beginning, his father refused to speak to me or acknowledge me because I am not Greek.  I am expected to hide from his father and uncles.  The rest of the family, his mother, sister and cousins try to find fault with my character.  They say I’m too quiet, too American, too young and not pretty enough.  In the beginning, my fiancé assured me that “in time” his family would come around.  Well, I’m running out of patience.  I want Pan to stick up for me when his family says bad things.  I feel its time for him to choose sides and stop remaining “neutral” to please a family that s acting ridiculous.  Is this the end for us?

Abby’s Answer:

Men who are “loving, respectful, and kind” do not tolerate their women being treated the way you have been.  My advice is to evict him and run in the opposite direction.  

Jen’s Response:

Ok – this isn’t about you.  It is about his family wanting to control him.  All attacks on you are actually designed to influence and control him.  The reason he probably isn’t standing up for you is because he has had to live a lifetime with this sort of critique.  He has been cowed into submission by the abuse.  Rather then leave him; why not support him in what are actually attacks on him.  They disapprove of him.  You are simply the person who represents his freedom from their abuse, which is why they are heaping their scorn on you.

My advice is to no longer hide from his father and uncles.  Stand up for yourself and allow the chips to fall where they lie.  Yes, it will cause a tremendous amount of discord because these controlling abusive people will be confronted with the fact that they can’t control you anymore.  You will also be giving your fiancé a tangible example of what it looks like to stand up for yourself.  You may just find that your fiancé, when he is actually forced to take sides, because you stood up for yourself, that he will side with you and free himself from the control of his family.  If he doesn’t, then you know where you stand and can leave without regret.  

When dealing with his female family members who are openly insulting you.  Don't allow them to get to you.  The best response to them is to simply tell them, politely and sweetly that "that was rude." and move on to something else.  Let them be rude, but don't take their bait.  You should be above that and will feel better about yourself if you don't stoop to their level.