Getting over Hate

 7/17/07

Question:
I know you aren\'t supposed to hate people, but someone hurt me very badly a couple of years back, and there just isn\'t any way I can stop hating him for what he did. Maybe if he asked for my forgiveness I could do it, but he hasn\'t (and probably never will). What would you say to someone like me?

Billy Graham’s answer:
As long as you continue to hate this person, what he did will continue to hurt you. Yes, he hurt you once in the past -- but your anger and hatred just keep opening and reopening the wounds he caused.  This is one reason why you need to let go of the past, and -- with God\'s help -- release your hatred of this person. No, it won\'t be easy, but unless you do, your anger will eat away at you the rest of your life. Jesus said, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44).  Is this easy to do? No -- not without God\'s help. And that\'s why the first step I urge you to take is to turn to God and seek His forgiveness for all the ways you have hurt Him. When we understand how much we have hurt God, the hurts we have received from others begin to fade. Then ask God to help you begin to see this person through His eyes. Yes, he has done wrong -- to you, and to God. But God still loves him, and Christ died to make his forgiveness possible -- just as He did for you. Don\'t be enslaved by hatred any longer, but learn to "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13).

Jen’s response:
Graham’s response, while ok in parts, is offensive to me because he blames the victim.  So typlical.  Before she can get over her hate of some guy who did her wrong, she has to figure out all the ways she has hurt god?  Apparently, once she is sufficiently humbled by how horrible a person she is, then she won’t feel so bad about how bad her ex is.  Great!

Getting over hate is important, as Graham says, because otherwise, it will just eat at you.  Plus, the emotion of hate is totally incompatible with the emotion of being happy.  You simply cannot be happy while hating.  In order to be happy, you have to allow the hate to ebb, or simply not think about it anymore.\r\n Whoever this guy is, he probably will never ask for forgiveness, so, don’t count on the behavior of someone who has proven themselves to be a bad person to do something nice.  Predicating your happiness on the apology of a jerk just continues to give the power over your happiness to that jerk. 

If you want to be happy, you need to take your happiness into your own hands.  First, try to stop obsessing over it.  It was horrible, it shouldn’t have happened and you were hurt.  Fine.  The best way to stop obsessing is to think about something else.  And yes, this will take practice.  What makes you happy?  Finding other more happy things to think about will gradually replace the anger you feel towards this individual.  This is why Graham says it won’t be easy. Retraining your brain to think of other things just takes practice and time.

Another thing to consider, which Graham mentions tangentially, is that this horrible person’s behavior wasn’t about you. (Just change His to his and you will see what I mean) Whatever it was they did, they most likely didn’t do to hurt you.  They did it to hurt themselves.  We often make the mistake of thinking that the world revolves around us and that people do things to have an impact on us.  The reality is that the world revolves around them.  Get your head around this and it will make getting over your anger towards this person much easier.

People who do horrible things tend to do so pathologically.  It is like the definition for insanity, hitting your head against the wall, expecting a different result.  In this case, you just got between this person and their wall and got hurt.  But they weren\'t really aiming for you, they were aiming for the wall.  Regardless, their behavior, while it impacted you, had very little to do with you.  This person is probably way to self absorbed to have even considered how their behavior would impact you.

Compassion also plays a huge role in overcoming anger.  When you grasp that this person was too self absorbed to consider the impact of their actions, that what they are doing is setting themselves up for a life of sorrow by repeatedly behaving in a way to sabotage their friendships, and that they are pathological about this negative behavior, then it becomes easier to feel sorry for them.

I am not saying you need to forgive them, what I am saying is that feeling sorry for them is totally incompatible with feeling anger, which is a horrible emotion to be feeling.  So, the goal is to replace your anger with compassion, and you will immediately feel better.  Compassion doesn’t require forgiveness.  It only requires that you recognize that this person is a pitiful creature who is pathologically out to destroy their life and anyone around them.  Once you find compassion for this person and feel sorry for them, it becomes easier to stop thinking about them and start thinking about things that make you happy.

The one thing you want to avoid is when you reach a state of compassion is to not feel like you could help this person.  Only they can decide to stop hurling themselves that proverbial wall.  Any attempt to interfere with their self-imposed punishment will only get you hurt again. 

To recap, try to think about how pathetic this person is, that will help you find your compassion for them, and then it will be easier to move onto to other more pleasant things.  Good luck!