Mom Not Coping Well with Son’s Death

11/7/07

(Note: This is a Dear Abbey article and not Billy Graham, but sometimes she is just off base and this was one of those times).

Question:
My younger brother died unexpectedly two years ago. He was only 27. Since then, my parents have befriended his close friends. There are two couples, the "Smiths," who have a baby they named after my brother (my parents are his godparents), and the "Joneses" (Bill Jones was my brother's best friend growing up). My parents want to invite them to every holiday dinner or event we have. My husband and I host the dinners at our home. The problem is, the Smiths and the Joneses are inconsiderate guests. They are always late -- an hour or more -- and my mother always wants to wait for them! They eat, run, and barely talk to my husband. Sometimes they fail to show up without even a phone call. My parents are very forgiving and do not seem offended by it. My husband says we will no longer host any holiday dinners if the Smiths and Joneses are coming. However, I don't want to upset my parents. I understand their need to keep a part of my brother alive. Nor do I want to stop having holiday parties at my home. Are my husband and I wrong to say enough is enough and ban the friends? How should we handle this without upsetting my already emotionally fragile parents? -- DISGUSTED HOSTESS

Dear Abbey’s Off Base Answer:
The Smiths and Joneses appear to be completely ignorant about the social graces. Apparently, no one has told them the importance of being on time for a dinner party, or calling to inform the hosts if plans have changed and they will be unable to attend. Nor do they seem to realize that part of being good guests is making conversation with everyone at the party -- the host included. I If you haven't already discussed this with your parents, it's time you did. Tell them they would do the Smiths and Joneses a favor to explain the basic rules of etiquette to them -- because if they pull this one more time, they will no longer be invited to your home.  Frankly, they are behaving as if they don't want to be entertained in your home, and their rudeness conveys that they don't appreciate your hospitality.

Jen’s Response:
Ok – the problem here isn’t with the guests, it is with the mother. Lets look at this from the “friends” perspective.  The “friends” are married and have lives.  That means they also have families that want to see them on the holidays and that is rightly their first priority.  They most likely feel bad for your mother’s emotional frailty and so they agree to her emotional blackmail to visit her during the holidays so she can hold onto her dead son a little longer and make it through the next holiday.  That they are coming late or not coming at all is an indication of their desire not to hurt your mother’s feelings by accepting invitations that are quite frankly inappropriate at this stage.

If it were me, I would contact these friends and discuss with them how they would like to proceed and let them know they are welcome at your hose, but that you understand completely that they must have other obligations during the holiday.  Let them know that it is not only ok for them to decline your mother’s invitations but that they might actually be doing her a favor.  

The reason you aren’t allowed to start dinner until your drop by guests arrive is because your mother is using these “friends” as surrogate sons.  They aren’t.  Yes, your mother is going to have a really hard time of it the first time she doesn’t have these friends as an emotional crutch, but it isn’t fair to them or to you and your family.  It might be a good idea to find grief support groups in your area and go to them with your mother.  She is apparently very stuck right now.
Please don’t take your frustration out on these friends, as it isn’t their fault.  They lost your brother too.  Approach this situation with compassion for everyone involved, find a way for these friends to decline your mother’s invitation without loosing face and then deal with your mother’s grief directly.  You all have been tiptoeing around her fragile state, and as a result, she is holding everyone hostage to her grief.  She needs to learn to allow the living to keep on living and she should be encouraged to live on too. 

I have lost a child myself, so I know a bit about this.  The grief never totally goes away, but it isn’t a betrayal of the deceased to go on living life to the fullest.