"In" Love and Off Target

6/24/08

Question: 

I have been dating a wonderful man for a year. We love each other -- no question about that -- but when I tell him I'm IN love with him, he never responds. He says he doesn't know what that means.  He asked me to explain the difference between loving someone and being in love. He says it doesn't make sense to him. Please help me explain to him what it means to be in love. I need to know that he's in love with me, not that he just loves me.

Dear Abby’s Response:

If you have to explain to this wonderful man what it means to be in love, then I'm sorry to be the one to tell you he may not BE in love with you. While it's possible for a man or woman to "love" many people (and cats, and pizza and shiny cars), when someone is IN love, then only the object of that emotion will satisfy him or her. There is nothing unsure or doubtful about it, and no substitute will suffice.

Jen’s Response:

Ok – first off, when you have a question about the way guys think and what they mean when they say different things, you really need to be writing to Male Call and not Dear Abby. Male Call always gets it right and will give you good advice about what your man is really thinking.  

In this case, you man doesn’t have a problem.  He is just a guy, and you should not leave a wonderful man over semantics.  While you are splitting hairs about how important the word “in” is, he is just trying to figure out why telling you he loves you isn’t sufficient. What is wrong with you!

He loves you.  He tells you he loves you.  So what if he doesn’t use the word “in.”  There are so many more important things in life then parsing sentences for meaning.  Men aren’t that deep.  Really.  They aren’t.  If he tells you he loves you, he loves you.  Just start planning the wedding now before he realizes how insane you are that you are obsessing over something stupid like this.

And, just to double check that my instinct on this was correct; I asked my husband what he thought. He just shook his head and said way too many women are crazy and he is happy he has me and that I don’t drive him crazy with such nonsense.

I can’t believe Dear Abby actually told this woman to leave a wonderful man over the word “in.”  Ladies, when you have a question about what a man is thinking, ask another man.  Don’t ask your girlfriends, they are just going to validate your insane rationalization about how important something as inconsequential as “in’ is.  Dear Abby was way off target on this one.