Abused Teen Consider’s Suicide

11/23/08

This is from a Dear Abby article posted Saturday Nov 22nd.  It is the 2nd article about the kid writing about his friend JD who is considering suicide because his father abuses him. I decided to write about this because I had friends in high school whose situation was very similar to this.

DEAR ABBY:
I have a friend I'll call "J.D.," who is being abused by his father. It started after his mother died, when J.D. was 6.  I have known about the abuse for some time, but it recently went to extremes. J.D. called another friend, crying, asking for the number of a suicide hotline. I called J.D. the next day asking if he was all right, and he said that despite almost stabbing himself, he was fine.  I am really concerned, but I can't tell anyone. If I do, it might get back to his father who will take it out on him. J.D. insists that he doesn't need help, even though he hates his father and is hit regularly. It kills me to see my friend this way. Please give me some advice on what to do because I am truly confused and concerned. -- TRUE FRIEND IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR TRUE FRIEND:
Some secrets are meant to be kept, and others are not. When you know that someone is in so much pain he or she is talking about committing suicide, it is time to see that person gets help. You can do that for J.D. by telling your parents, a teacher or counselor at school or your clergyperson. Educators and the clergy are mandated by law to report physical abuse when they know it is going on.

MY ADVICE
I had a few friends growing up whose parents were abusive.  One committed suicide, another attempted in several times. My friend who succeeded in killing herself was abused from the age of 7 and even after becoming a Harvard educated lawyer, she never stopped being afraid. Once she won her court case against her step dad, she killed herself. 

My friend who attempted suicide a few times and failed was more open with his friends about what was going on and while his issues with his father continued into adulthood, he managed to get through that painful period and is today productive and basically happy.

That JD has told his friends what is going on and has asked for help from them in the way of getting a phone number for a suicide prevention hotline means he wants to be helped.  That is a good sign.  Still, you need to take his state of mind seriously.  Be aware, JD is not able to think clearly because of the abuse he is sustaining, which isn’t just physically it is mental. So, he may decide suicide or even murder is a rational response to the totally irrational situation he is currently enduring. Unfortunately, helping him is going to be hard.

My friend who survived did so because he ran away from home. But he didn’t have to go onto the street.  He was lucky – one of our friend’s parent’s took him in and he stayed in their house until he left for college.  They are his second parents and we all consider him his saviors.  It was one of the most noble things anyone I have ever known has done.  They are wonderful people and I hope if I am ever called upon to help one of my child’s friends as they were, that I will be able to rise to the challenge as they did.

True friend needs to talk to his parents and tell them what is going on and ask if they can help JD and let him stay with them if it comes to that.  They would be doing JD an enormous favor. He needs to get away from his father.   If he doesn’t the consequences could be fatal. 

JD’s dad is abusive.  That doesn’t mean he is hitting JD all the time.  It means he is abusive and then nice and then abusive and then nice which is actually worse as he never knows which version of his dad he is going to be dealing with.  When JD says he is fine, it is because his father is being basically nice at that moment. Or, it could mean that he hasn’t been hit in a couple of days. His sense of what is ok and what isn’t has been thrown out of whack by the abuse.  He needs to get away from his abuser.  He needs to run away from home and he needs a safe place to go to.  His first choice should be to go and live with a relative.  If that isn’t an option or if he fears his relatives won’t be willing to stand up to his dad to keep him safe, then someone else will need help him.  Hopefully, regardless of what route your friend decides, your parents will step up and take responsibility for helping him, including housing and feeding him if it comes to that.

If your parents are good people, and they probably are if they have taught you to be as compassionate as you are, then ask them to help.  They know your friends and most likely like your friends and won’t be willing to tolerate the abuse your friend his enduring.  Especially when there are visible signs he is being abused, like bruises, broken bones, etc. 

Your parents may seem reluctant to get involved, but give them the benefit of the doubt. There are serious legal issues that they will be considering about how and whether they can help friend without putting themselves in legal jeopardy.  Above all, the abuse needs to be documented.  And your parents or other trusted adult will be much more effective then you or JD will be. They will have a better idea of what resources are available for JD and how to get those resources mobilized to help your friend.  The most important thing is to get JD out of reach of his father as soon and as safely as possible and to do so in a way that his dad only finds out about it after JD is safe.   In other words, get JD out of his dad’s house first, then let his dad know that JD will be staying elsewhere until or unless he gets his anger under control.

The effects of childhood abuse are long term.  They don’t ever go away. Even if you succeed in getting JD away from his father during his high school years, he may still be tempted to kill himself.  The first time my friend tried to kill himself he was still living with his second parents. Another 2 attempts occurred when he was in college. 

What I am saying is as JD’s friend, you need to be prepared that even if you help him, it might not be enough. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, it just means you need to be realistic about how difficult and damaging what is happening to JD really is.  Also, be prepared for JD to periodically attempt to reconcile with his father and for his father to totally disappoint him, and screw him over; over and over again. It will infuriate you and his second family and all his friends, but that is just something JD will have to work out for himself.  As long as you all provide a stable and safe place for him to return to, he will hopefully survive this and become a productive and happy adult.