Blue-collar beau and mom cliques

5/19/10

I realize I haven’t written a “my advice” article in a while.  Been busy and honestly, I haven’t read anything that made me mad.  Yesterday though, Dear Abby was WAY off.

The first question was from “It’s complicated” who is a divorced middle aged professional with a PhD who has been dating an overweight man with a drinking problem who never finished college for seven years. SEVEN!!! She enjoys his company and likes most of his friends but she is afraid he will say something boorish, show up drunk or otherwise embarrass her in front of her friends and peers. So she asked “whether there was something intrinsically wrong with me that I’m ashamed to have the man I love meet people with whom I work and socialize? Is there something wrong with the relationship?” 

Dear Abby responded by saying there is nothing wrong with the relationship since it has worked for seven years and if she is happy she should continue to keep her professional and private lives separate. That is an option, but I don’t think the advice was all that good.

Obviously there is something wrong otherwise this woman would not have felt the need to write. First, they haven’t gotten married. Now, it may be that neither wants to be married, or that one does and one doesn’t. It isn’t discussed.  But clearly, there is a reason they haven’t gotten married and that indicates there is a problem. She is also concerned that he will be drunk or boorish around her professional friends; my guess is for good reason. She is only sharing half of her life with this guy. If he is fine with that and doesn’t want more, then things can continue. But I suspect she wrote because this guy was a fun guy to hang out with after her divorce but she has decided she wants more and is ready to move on and wants the decision she has already made to exit this relationship to be validated by a professional. 

So here it is. Yes, it is ok to leave this relationship if you want a relationship you don’t have to be embarrassed about. In fact, it is probably better then treating your lover as if he embarrasses you and forever playing defensive with your friends. He certainly deserves better from his lover. If however, as Dear Abby says, you are truly happy in this relationship, then stop caring what other people think and bring this relationship into the light. It is exhausting to keep a part of yourself hidden from your friends and peers. Either exit and find someone else that you don’t secretly dislike or woman up and admit to the relationship.  The status quo is unethical and unacceptable.

The second letter was from “friend challenged” who is a single mother with two girls who works full time and is very active in her daughter’s lives. Her problem is that the other mom’s don’t want anything to do with her. She gets a weird “vibe” from them and it seems they really don’t care for her. She has friends, but none of them have children and she really wants to find friends with kids. So she asks, what can she do to make these other moms like her.

Dear Abby responds by giving her advice on how to break the ice by asking them for advice since they are apparently older then her. And perhaps they would take her under their wing.  WRONG!!!!!!

Look, if you are getting a weird vibe from a group of moms, it is for a reason. Those particular moms probably have issues and are still playing grade school popularity games. They could be nice, but seriously, trying to get people to like you who are already giving you a bad vibe without getting to know you is idiotic, exhausting and will fail. Plus, you really don’t need the hassle with all the other things you have going on.

My guess is that there are other moms at the school who are also lonely and looking for friends just like you. And they are having the same problem with the clique as you are. Cliques do represent “instant” friends if you can get in them, but it is rarely worth the effort to get in with them.  It is exhausting and unpleasant and a lot of effort.  You need friends who are easy to get along with.  That is what you should be looking for.

Fortunately, there are more easier to get along with moms then difficult ones. Just look for other moms who are standing alone and strike up a conversation with them. If you click and enjoy them without any weird vibes, you are on your way to making a mom friend or two. Making friends is a lot like dating.  First you need to find people you actually like – that takes time. I look for ones I can laugh with easily and avoid ones that make me nervous. Then you need to take the initiative, get their phone number and set up dates where you two can get to know each better – this takes time because you are both moms and finding time to get together with other moms is difficult to schedule. Don’t let that stop you, keep trying. Eventually your schedules will coincide and you can get together and start properly developing the friendship.  And then you will have real friends and not just a group of shallow acquaintances that make you nervous all the time because they are giving off “weird” vibes.