Demon Fighting 101 and Other Nonsense

Demon
fighting 101 and other nonsense

12/3/09

Ok – so I am an atheist and I don’t believe in things like demons.
But I am going to let you in on a secret. Many atheists love the idea of supernatural
things even though we know better. Case in point. I saw Paranormal
Activity
and boy – what an ookey movie.

If you haven’t seen the movie, just be aware that you will want
to see it in a theater and not in your home. Seriously. It takes about 40 minutes
to remind yourself sufficiently that it was a work of fiction so that you can
go home and get into bed. If you watch it at home, you will most likely really
be freaked out. Now – the rest of this post includes spoilers so if you don’t
want to know what happens — DON’T READ ANY FURTHER! You have been warned.

Ok – so for those of you who have seen the movie, you know that
the basic plot is that for some reason a woman has been haunted by a demon since
she was 8 and for some reason it has decided to start bugging her and her boyfriend
has decided to antagonize it and egg it on so he can get cool video footage.

I have already told my husband, as a result of seeing this movie
that if I am ever dragged out of bed and down the hall and bitten by an unseen
demon – that he should take me to the hospital to have the bite looked at. I
want to be in a lighted place with lots of people looking after me. Sure, the
demon may follow, but I have a much better chance of surviving the attack if
I am at a hospital.

Now, for what this couple did wrong. Lots. I used to watch Supernatural
after all. Look. If you have already got video proof that supernatural activity
is happening. And a psychic has come to tell you it isn’t a ghost it is a demon
and you have big beast footprints in talcum powder in your home – then CALL
IN THE DEMONOLOGIST ALREADY! What on earth could you hold off making that call
for?

Oh – and if you have video proof that the demon periodically inhabits
your girlfriend – paint a pentagram on the ceiling above your bed and the floor
below it so that if the demon does inhabit your girlfriend while she is sleeping
– you can effectively capture the darned thing in place so it can’t do anymore
harm! Seriously – this isn’t rocket science.


Now – as for stupid fears closer to home and more immediate. I
have decorated the house in Saturnalia style Santas. One in particular I really
like. I got it last year for a really cheap price. The problem is that now that
he is up and about in my home – I find he freaks me out a little bit. The rational
part of my brain knows that my son was playing with it and altered its position
and orientation so that it was looking at me funny in a way it hadn’t before.
But…. it still is freaky. I think it’s the statue’s eyes. His face is really
well done and the eyes do seem to follow you a bit.

So, while I know intellectually that the thing is just a saturnalia
style santa statue, my irrational fearful self is thinking – I am so binding
his feet the first chance I get. I do not want this little saturnalia santa
statue with his staff meandering around my house at night.

And then I remembered, I have cats. In case you did not know,
cats are pan-dimensional super-beings. And the reason you keep them is because
evil is afraid of them, or at least that is what I have been telling my son
to help him not be afraid at night in the dark – and yes – it does work – Imhotep
in The Mummy really can’t stand cats and that was all the proof my 4 year old
needed.

Anyway, if something evil was in my house I would know because
my cats would act funky and mine were definitely not. In fact they were soundly
sleeping on the edge of my bed. And, then I realized that even if my cats are
not evil beating pan-dimensional beings, if the statue did start exploring my
house, my cats would definitely notice so it would never get to my bedroom with
me asleep. So…. I relaxed, went to bed and slept soundly in the blissful
knowledge that I was safe and sound.

Did I mention my hubby is out of town? Yeah…. Definitely
not watching the Ghost Hunters show I recorded. I will leave that until he gets
home and can take care of me should I get scared.